This week’s ritual is intended to enhance commitment(DeFrain & Stinnett, 2008). Specifically, it is intended to helpfamily members 1) allow each other to be themselves and 2)respect the roles each of them plays in the family, two of the qualities of commitment. Other qualities of commitment focus on having a high regard for each other, finding it easy to be honest with each other, building each other’s self-esteem,allowing individuals to make their own choices and havingreasonable expectations of each other.
This week, the ritual I want you to try with your family is a family storytelling night. Family storytelling is an important ritual that can help build commitment. If you think about it for a moment, you may remember specific family stories and how much they mean to us. They are often inspired by old photographs or home videos. Family stories are often the ones that make your family unique. Sometimes they are meaningful messages that say something about we value as a family.
This week, once again, invite your family members toparticipate in a family storytelling night with you. As with the other rituals I’ve recommended, you’ll need to decide on a location and time that works for your family as a whole.Remember, you can always Skype or use FaceTime if you live too far away from each other to get together in person.
In your invitation, suggest your parents and other family members bring some photos or ask them send the pictures to you in advance so you print them or save them on your phoneor laptop for everyone to view. You might also encourage them to bring a favorite toy from their childhood (or from yours!) or other objects that may come with special stories!
Once your family members sit down together for thestorytelling, explain that tonight is all about the stories you have as a family. As the host, you might want to help the family get started by repeating a favorite family story you always heard growing up or sharing a photo or object to show that prompts a special memory of the family for you. If others brought photos or objects to share, you could ask them to tell the stories they remember associated with those items. Even if none of you brought anything tangible to share, family stories can be prompted with questions. Here are some questions you might consider asking, if your family members, especially your parents, get stuck:
1. What regions or countries does our family come from? What stories do you remember about those places?
2. What holidays did you celebrate when you were young? Tell a story about a specific holiday you remember as a child.
3. What special games or food do you remember from when I was a child? Tell me about a time we played a game or had a particular meal that you don’t think I’ll remember.
4. What dances or songs do you know from when you were a child? Share a story about when you first learned a new song or dance.
5. Think of a special toy or craft or recipe from our family’s past. What is the story behind it?
6. Who in our family could teach me to make our family’straditional foods or crafts? Do you remember a time when you learned a recipe or craft from that family member?
7. What traditions have been passed down in our family? Share a time when a tradition wasn’t followed by someone in the family.
8. Who in the family has been the biggest influence on your life? What lessons did that person teach you?
9. When has our family experienced a miracle?
10. What is the one story you could share that you thinkcaptures the essence of another member of the family?
As a host, you can provide the questions, but you alsomight want to ask your parents and other family members to contribute their own questions. Everybody can participate in the family storytelling. Take turns and try not to interrupt each other, though that can be hard! Give each other a chance to share different versions of the same story. This is especially important as you consider the qualities of commitment related to accepting the different ways family members do things.You might even ask each family members to share a time when they felt like their family members allowed them to bethemselves or a time when they felt their role in the family was respected. Family stories can be fun or serious, but you should tell them from your heart. We cannot love someone we do not know, and stories help us know each other better.
Before your time together ends, you may want to take a moment to talk as a family about the importance of familystories and having a special time to share them. Take some time to say what you thought about the family storytelling night too. As emerging adults we don’t always make the time to demonstrate our family commitment, to pay attention to our roles and responsibilities in the family,important qualities ofvaluing each other and demonstrating commitment.
And after the family storytelling night with your family, don’t forget to come back and share your experience here! Tell us who you invited to your family storytelling night and why, where you had family storytelling night, and how it went. Which qualities of valuing each other and demonstrating commitment were present as you and your family shared your stories? What was the most interesting thing you learned? What surprised you the most about your family’s past? How do you think your family’s stories influence the way your family is today? What is one familystory you heard that you can share here? Do you think you’ll have another family storytelling night again soon? Why or why not?
I look forward to reading about your experiences!
I look forward to reading about your experiences!
Ying Zhu, this post is wonderful. This past weekend I had the chance to return home from college and try storytelling with my family. I am very close with my family, so this ritual really helped me gain even a better appreciation and love for my family than I had before! I sat down with my grandparents, my mother, my uncle, my aunt, and my brother at my grandparents’ house in their living room and began the ritual. It was a delightful experience. I asked each question one by one and everyone participated, but mostly my grandparents. The one thing that truly caught my attention was how emotional our conversations got as we answered and talked about these questions. Each questions led into a story and at one point each one of us was laugh and crying tears of joy and some of sadness. I have never experienced a bond and connection with my family like this before. It was heartwarming. My family’s stories influence me today because they shaped me and made me who I am. Each family has their own stories and experiences and that’s why we all come from different backgrounds. I was already pretty familiar with my family’s past, but it was great recapping on it all. My grandparents moving to the United States from Greece was very life changing and to think how much it influenced our whole family history was very remarkable to think and talk about. One family story I can share is from question number nine. My family experienced two miracles thus far. The first miracle is about my grandfather surviving a massive heart attack and undergoing a major heart operation many years ago, thankfully he is still with us. The other miracle is about my younger cousin Nick, being born with Cystic Fibrosis. The doctors said there was no chance he would make it a week after he was born, but he is still with us today! He just turned seventeen this past December. Although he still lives with his life threatening disease, we are all thankful he has survived 17 years. I really enjoyed this ritual and I plan on doing more storytelling rituals with my family again!
ReplyDeleteYour experience surprise me! Yes, your family did experienced two miracles! Family stories are meaningful for us, influence us and it's always great to have a special time to share them. You had a great experience! I love to read your story!! Hope you enjoy and doing more storytelling rituals with your family again!.
DeleteThis past weekend my family and I finally found a night where we could all get together to try this ritual. I loved the idea of this ritual because it sounded a lot like what my family already likes to do when we do find the time to get together. However, that does not happen nearly as much as we would like it to and I knew these questions would give our time together much more structure, pushing us further into meaningful conversations.
ReplyDeleteI have a very large family but have five girl cousin, my sister , and myself who all grew up together. We are all in our twenties now and have remained close but not as close as we were when we were young. My aunt rose is like a God mother to all of us. She has no children of her own but has treated us like we were her’s ever since I can remember. This is who I invited to family storytelling night. We have gotten together on a number of different occasions for “girl’s night” which has , in the past, turned into a story telling night.We get together regularly as a whole family for holidays and birthdays have not made the time to do a “girl’s night” in almost a year which is why I felt so excited to host! We decided we would get together at my aunt rose’s house around four o’clock for dinner. I told the girls to bring some of their favorite pictures of our family and had some on my computer that I brought myself.
Before dinner even started we were looking at pictures, laughing and already telling stories! It was very cool to see how the whole picture thing prompted conversation just in itself. We have a hand full of stories that we all know pretty much by heart from hearing them over and over from our grandpa. After my Grandma pasted away stories became very important to our family and vital for keeping my grandpa in good spirits. We noticed that when he talks about my grandma he is happier, to us we feel that it makes him feel her presence. He often tells us the story of how they meant and when he knew they would marry along with random little stories through out their marriage and dating life. We also all have memories and stories of our own of my grandma and this is where the storytelling began. It was awesome to hear all of the personal stories each of my cousins had about my grandma. Being one of seventeen grandkids and four great-grandkids, it is outstanding to me that she managed to have a individual and unique relationship with each of us. I really felt like this binded us together that night. We all miss her very much and in a way I felt that she was there that night with us. I felt a sense of appreciation for my cousin’s as they shared their stories of their memories of my grandma and I felt respected and like i was being listened to as I shared mine. Hearing stories from my aunt, my grandmother’s daughter, really touched us all in am different way. I definitely want to have storytelling night again but I think I would invited my aunts and uncles as well. It was awesome to get to hear stories about when we weren’t even close to being born yet! I would like to hear more stories like these because it really did make me feel closer to my family and made me happy we were remembering my grandma in this way, together.
Over all storytelling night was beyond a success for my family. It did not go exactly how I had planned but I feel that it turned out even better. Our conversations were spontaneous and seemed to form a theme on their own. They brought about so many different emotions and new findings about each other and things that uniquely unite us. It is hard to explain in words, but I felt “built up” in a way after our night. I felt rooted and confident, kind of recharged in a way. Talking with them was so much fun and very over due and we all agreed that we should do it again very soon. Thank you for your ritual suggestion Ying Zhu, It formed a night that may turn into a story told one day down the road.
Thank you for your sharing. I am enjoy to read your comment. You have a great family! enjoy!
DeleteThis past weekend, I was able to go home and my family spent a night story telling. That night, I invited my grandparents and my aunts and uncles from my mom's side of the family to tell us some of their stories as well as my immediate family. We did this at my grandparent's house because whenever we have a big family event it tends to always happen there. The entire experience went really well. I was very impressed with all the stories that people were willing to share. I was also shocked at some of the things that I didn't know about my family. It was obvious that we were all valuing each other because we were all very respectful and even when someone wanted to jump right in to a story they also knew, they gave the one telling the story the benefit of the doubt. There were many interesting things that I learned from people. This was especially true of my grandparents. They are really young grandparents as I am the oldest grandchild and they are only in their early sixties, but their generation seemed to care so much more about their ancestry then my generation or my parent's generation would. It amazed me some of the things that they know about their parents that I don't even know about my own. The most shocking story that my grandma told was about my great, great, great, great grandfather. My family came here from Ireland after his generation. In Ireland, he owned a huge castle. He was charged for not being able to pay his taxes and therefore, he was beheaded as a punishment. This shocked me because even though we all know that it happened, we never think about the possibility that it happened to our own family. This experience also made me think about how much our past influences our family today. If it weren't for someone on my mom's side of the family deciding to come to America from Ireland, there are a lot of what ifs about what our lives could be like or if we would even be here today. This experience taught all of us a lot and we all truly enjoyed the opportunity to all get together and share. This is absolutely something that we would do again.
ReplyDeleteYour story amazed me~especially your great, great, great, great grandfather!!! Like you said, there are a lot of what ifs about what our lives could be like or if we would even be here today. I can't agree more! I am thinking I came from China, and came to American all by myself. Maybe one day my expience could be a great story for my grandchildren in the future.
DeleteI found this ritual to be quite fun and helpful in building our family relationships. Both of my parents live far away and are not particularly tech savvy. Instead of trying to execute this ritual with them I instead called upon my sister and her new husband.
ReplyDeleteThe ten suggested topics were a great launching platform for this activity. Me and my sister were able to think back on times growing up in west Chicago. One of our favorite stories to talk about was the little rituals and fun things we would make up as children on Christmas morning. We also found ourselves looking back on our times playing competitive sports and the long trips we would go on. Our recollections seemed to grow and feed off each other enhancing the stories.
I feel as though me and my sister got the intended objective of this ritual. What I also gained from this though was a greater understanding and relationship with my new brother in law. With our stories and memories Steven often had his own sometimes very similar stories. This was not only a great way to connect as a family but learn more about each other as new family members
I am glad you enjoy it:)
DeleteOn Thursday night I went home because I do not have classes Friday. I called over all of my intermediate family and told them that we were going to have a story telling night about memories that we have had. It was crazy because out of all the stories that were told; i remembered some, others I had forgotten, and some I did not remember correct. The funniest story of the night was when I stayed at my Dad's house for the weekend. My parents are divorced so I would alternate every other weekend between staying with my father or mother. My dad had picked me up and it felt like a regular weekend with one exception, my sister was grounded for the first time ever. I was so shocked because my sister never got in trouble and was for the first time. I remember how happy I was because I was always in trouble. My Dad had told me when we arrived at the house that I couldn't go into my sisters room until tomorrow because she was grounded. At night time i knocked on my sisters room and she was just crying so I went in to make her happy. About five minutes later I heard foot steps and got nervous, it was my Dad. I hid in the closet hoping he wouldn't find me. Well he found me and I got grounded for the night too. When my Dad told the family this story it was so funny because I did not remember that at all. It was nice having this family night because it made me realize how short life is, and that it is important to spend it with the ones you love. The night was full of laughs and shock, all together I would say it was definitely a bonding experience.
ReplyDeleteI like your family story!
DeleteI invited my mom, dad, and little sister to my family storytelling night. I think it went great. My dad really liked the idea of us all gathering together as a family to tell a story. Since my dad loved this idea he went first. We put up all electronics and gathered around at my parent’s house in the family room. As each of us told our stories we all listened closely. The most interesting thing I learned was that when my dad was in college his parents moved back to Florida therefore, he had no immediate family near him anymore. It was a big adjustment for him and he learned the importance of family while he was alone. The most surprising thing about my family’s past is that even though my mom came from a family that didn’t have a lot financially they were very grateful for the little things they did have and they knew how to have fun without a lot of materialistic things. I think my family’s stories influence my family today by knowing the value of money and the importance of having good family bond. Even though my dad has a good job now my mom still teaches us the value of money. We are taught to save some of our money because we never know what is going to happen in life. My family has a also instilled in me friends may come and go, but family is forever. I think I will have another family storytelling night soon because we all had fun and enjoyed spending quality time together.
ReplyDeleteI am enjoy to read your comment! Thank you!
DeleteFor my family story telling night I was able to sit down and talk about past experiences with my two sisters, my mom and dad, and myself. Unfortunately my brother was unable to attend because he had to stay at school for the weekend. I asked my family to participate with me after our family dinner we had together. It was such a great time. I had asked my mom to take out photo albums prior to my arrival home because I think pictures are a great way to connect specific past events with greater detail. It was so fun to connect the pictures with a specific event or story. My family showed value for one another simply by listening to what we had to say to each other. There were rare interruptions of one another and it was really fun to notice everyones different emotional reactions to different pictures and stories. Specifically, we were looking at pictures from Disney Land in California from when my sister and I were young children. My other two siblings were not born yet. My older sister was laughing at first but then we got a little upset because we have not seen our cousins in a long time with whom we used to be very close with. Our commitment to each other was demonstrated simply by being there for one another. My sisters and parents are both very busy and it meant a lot that they were able to take time out of their day and do this activity with me. My mom was especially excited because she will jump on any opportunity that she gets to spend time with us kids. The most interesting thing I learned is how important these memories really are. Not only to me, but to my entire family. I think as we have grown older, we forget about our past memories and about the small times that meant so much to us as a family unit. When we took the time to sit down together and walk down memory lane, we were able to remind ourselves of the times when we were all able to be together and share those great experiences with one another. I learned that it is important to relive those memories once in a while because it brought us closer as a family. It surprised me that we were able to go on all the family outings and trips that we did. Now, with three of us in college, and very busy schedules, family vacations do not happen anymore. It was surprising to me that at one time we did vacations and outings very frequently.
ReplyDeleteMy families stories influence the way we are today because we are still a tight knit group. Although we cannot spend as much time together as we once did, we are still close with one another. I think our past memories and the times we spend together as a family remind us of the importance of the family unit. My favorite story is of when my sisters and I performed a musical dance group for my extended family at a party. The pictures were so funny and we were able to remember how care free we were. It was surprisingly a positive experience going through old photos with my family. It was good to come home and relax and enjoy each others company. I was sad my brother was not able to make it but my hopes are that we will be able to do this again soon. Although, it probably is not likely to happen for a while considering everyones schedules. Overall it was a great time and I am lucky to have gotten the time to come home and share that experience with my family.
Yes you are right, pictures are a great way to connect specific past events with greater detail. There are a lot of memories and stories in every picture. I like to read your story and hope you enjoy this ritual! It's always good to be with family!
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